hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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