Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
