How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Randomize
