I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
