U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
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