Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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