i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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