i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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