I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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