My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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