I swear she didn't look like that last week.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
