I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
