HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
