i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
