i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize