the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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