remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
