I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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