she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
