I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
