believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
