Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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