I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
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