Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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