and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
