I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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