just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
