My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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