proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
