I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
