Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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