I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
