the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize