genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
