What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
