Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
