matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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