Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
