So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
