Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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