Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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