Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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