It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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