I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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