I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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