ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
