yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Two words: blizzard sex
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
