i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
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