I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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