so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
