hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
