Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
