I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Randomize