It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
