just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
