Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
