My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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