my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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