I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
a search helicopter?!
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize