remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
