I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
