I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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