The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
