Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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