Even the bartender felt bad for me
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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