I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
