thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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